Again

Coming home from a meeting on Thursday, February 24, 2011 I was exhausted.  I came into the house, took off my makeup and put on comfy pajamas.  It was already about 8:00 and I was tired!  I spoke to my mom, and Chip, my husband, was with Tommy up at baseball practice.  After I talked to my mom - no more than 5 minutes - Chip called.
He told me that Patti had died.  Pattie is my sister Dawn's ex-husband's wife.  Chip told me he would pick me up and we needed to go to my parents' house.  So in my pajamas I went.
When we got there everyone was in shock.  Now Dawn's kids had lost their mother to suicide and they lost their step-mother too!  All within 6 months of each other!
We called my niece Danni who had been clean for about a week, and told her to meet us at my sister Julie's house.  She knew something was wrong, but I grabbed the phone from my dad and told her that my mom, her Nanny, was at Julie's house and was crying and upset about Dawn.  I told her she was the only one who my mom wanted to see.
Yes, I lied a little - but we didn't want her to freak out and use to dull the pain.
So we left to go to Julie's house.
When we got there Chris, my sister Dawn's son who had found his mom hanging in their basement, was there and had been told.  He was numb.  Then Danni walked in and knew something was wrong.
I can't remember who told her - I assume it was Christ but might have been Julie.  She just kept saying "No, No, No!"
Then Chris and his sister went downstairs to call their dad who was at the police station - we didn't understand at this time why he was at the police station, but it would all be clear soon.
All of a sudden Julie came up the stairs and told us the Chris and Danni's half sister Alli, only 4, was also dead.  My mom almost dropped to the floor, reliving every moment of her own daughter dying.
Although Patti and Alli were not family to us, they were part of our larger family.  They were our family's family.
So once I explained to my mom that she couldn't act so upset in front of Danni and Chris, Chris came up the stairs.  He was pale and stood by the sink.  Chip went over to him to see if he was alright and he was staring out into space shaking uncontrollably.  I didn't blame him.
Chip knew he was going into shock and took hold of his arms and made him look into his eyes and speak.  It helped.
I went downstairs to Danni who I realized was also in shock as she sat in a chair looking at nothing at all but blank.  I hugged her and told her she had to look at me.  I told her she was in shock and she had to look at me and say something.  Her only word was "huh?" But she did turn her head to look at me.
I told her she had to force herself now to be strong for her dad, that he needed her more than anyone in her life had ever needed her.
I packed up things for Chris and Danni and we left to go see Bob - I was with Chris' friend and the two kids were in Julie's truck.
It felt like it took forever, and I was a little annoyed at myself for not changing out of my pajamas - but in the end that was the smallest thing to worry about.
We finally got to the police station.  We still did not know what had happened, but assumed a car accident.  I prayed that Bob was not driving.
When we arrived and saw him he looked horrible, as anyone would.  He was rocking back and forth asking "Why?"  He was relieved to see his two children and hugged them and kept asking "Why".  He said "I am paying for all of my sins."  It was eerie.
Eventually the police convinced Bob to go to the hospital.  By this time Julie and I had called his best friend Michelle to come help.  We had to explain to her what happened and she was as shocked as all of us.  She came right from Brooklyn and was on her way to the hospital.
It was a long night.  Michelle came and went in to talk to Bob.  Eventually Julie and I left, still not realizing what had happened.  The only thing we knew for sure was that they were both found in the bathroom by Bob when he got home from work.
Then we figured Alli had accidentally drowned in the tub - maybe hit her head or something - and Patti unable to live with herself took her own life.
After coming into work the next day for a couple of hours I went home, still in shock and so worried about the kids.
Bobby, Dawn's oldest son, called me from Washington, DC where he had just been released from the hospital!  He wanted to know what was going on and I just told him I didn't know.  I told him yes they were both dead, but I knew nothing else.
It was Friday that we learned what had happened - because Julie went with Bob and Danni to clean up the house.  Chip and I tried to get cleaners in, but Bob wanted to go.
Julie said there was blood everywhere in the bathroom.  It was horrible.  She said there were signs of struggle on Alli.  I couldn't believe this though - it couldn't happen!
People would call and ask what happened and we told them we didn't know, maybe carbon-monoxide.  Bob wanted it that way and who were we to say otherwise.
Saturday came and went.  Chip and I took the kids to basketball and served up the same answer to so many questions from neighbors, friends and acquaintances.
Sunday too seemed to drag on forever.  Julie went to the hotel where they were staying and took Danni out for some clothes.  She said Patti and Alli didn't really have clothes in the house - which was weird because they had tons of money and lived in a 7,000 sq ft mansion!  It didn't make sense.
Monday I picked up toiletries for the kids and Bob and went to the hotel to see them.  I got them socks, underwear, hair supplies, deodorant, and picked up a dress and some clothes for Danni.
When I got there I had to sit and wait in the lobby for everyone who had gone to lunch.  When they came in Bob hugged me so tight.  So did Danni and Chris.  Bob sat on the couch and Bobby sat next to him and Bob just kept saying "How could this happen?  Why?"  He repeated what he had said the night at the police station over and over "But I was so happy!  I don't understand!"  My heart broke for him.
The proud man I had always known since I was a little girl, the pompous man, the egotistical man, was now a puddle.  He had been defeated.  It was one of the saddest things I had ever seen next to my mom grieving for Dawn.
We all sat around for awhile.  We talked.  Bob said he had spoken to a priest who told him that Alli goes straight to heaven since she has no sin.  But Patti would be in purgatory, Dawn as well.  The priest told him that the more prayers we say for those in Purgatory, the less time they spend there. So Bob asked my mom about Novenas, and asked us all to pray for them.  Of course we said yes.
Tuesday was the wake.  It was tough.  By this time we knew what happened.
Patti had drowned her daughter Alli then drank turpentine and slit her wrists before getting into the bathtub herself do die.  That is how Bob found them.  His perfectly happy family, gone just like that.
No foul play, no reasons that we knew of at least, and that was it. One casket for mom and daughter.  Flowers filling up three rooms, and a video of pictures.  That was all.
We stayed there the entire day, Chip and myself and my whole family.  To be there for the kids, and to let Bob know he still had a family - us.
Bob is not perfect, nobody is.  But to lose your ex-wife to suicide and then your own wife kills your child and herself?  I didn't know how he was standing up there.
The wake was six months to the day that Dawn had died.
The funeral the next day was beautiful.  Patti's friend spoke about how wonderful she was.  Danni read a beautiful poem I am sure she wrote - she is so artistic!  Then Bob spoke about how much he loved his wife and daughter and that they were his life, his happiness, his world.
When he sat down, as she had over the past couple of days, Danni took her fathers hand and held it tight rubbing his back.  She was not on any drugs.  She wanted to be there entirely to help her father.  I was so proud of her.  I bet Dawn was too as she watched down from above.
I was still in shock.
The article came out in Thursday's newspaper that it was not accidental.  Comments from Patti's friends and family said that Bob should be looked at!  Patti could never do this, but Bob's ex-wife had just mysteriously died so what did that tell you?  I know it seemed coincidental, but it was not Bob who did this.  Maybe he contributed to her emotional state, but he didn't kill anyone.  Patti did that.
One comment was from someone claiming to be a "son of one of my sister's friends".  This person stated that Bob's ex-wife did not die of an illness, she took her own life!  Why did that person feel the need to do that?  Did it make them feel better to hurt our family more?
Once people read that they exploded with comments of how wonderful a woman and mother Patti was and it was all Bob's fault.
I wanted so badly to talk to the reporters, but when they called my house, sent me emails and called my office I did not speak to them.  I asked what they knew, and told them they were going down the wrong path and even that was off the record.  I told them if they wanted something to not call my family, call me only.  But I am thankful I never heard from them again.
After about 5-6 days there were no more articles on NJ.com.
However on March 12th, weeks after the incident, the article showed up in my local newspaper, the Journal News.  I was thankful they did not mention Dawn.  That is what I was worried about - protecting my deceased sister, and my mom and dad.
The article was factual - that is all I can say.  It was written because Bob and Patti had lived in Blauvelt for about 6 years before moving to NJ.  Bob had lived in Blauvelt for over 23 years before moving to Bernardsville, NJ near Patti's family.
In the end Patti and Alli were put to rest in Westfield, NJ, Patti's hometown.
I don't know what goes through someones mind in that moment that death is a better answer than life.  I hope to God I never know.
But just when I think my family will be OK, something else happens.
I hear that God gives you what he knows you can handle - but enough already!  My family, those three kids, Bob, my mom and dad, Julie - they can't handle anymore.
I have my family.  I have Chip and my three kids and two dogs.  I have my career and my volunteer positions in the insurance industry and coaching my kids.
I am not stronger than the rest of my family.  I need them as much as they need me.
But I distance myself, and that keeps me going.
God bless my beautiful sister.  I pray that you are at peace in heaven.  I am sure that Alli saw you and ran to your arms the way she did at your son Bobby's wedding in Boston in June.  I pray for Alli that she knows how much she was loved by her entire family and her mother.  And I pray for Patti that she is also at peace.
These two women were not bad women.  We will never know the truth.  It isn't for us to judge.  They have their judgement now.  It is for us to only pray for them, and for us.

6 months after

So it has already been almost 6 months since Dawn hung herself. I looked at myself in the mirror about a week ago and cried. I am not supposed to be the oldest sister. She is supposed to be here.
Dawn's daughter is having trouble with drugs still. I don't know what to do. The way I removed myself and my family from Dawn and her drama I have done the same with Danni. I love her - I text her - but I tell the kids that we cannot accept the drug use in our home. We have seen her at my mom and dad's house and at my sister Julie's house. They are helping her and taking her to meetings and driving her places. I went to lunch with her one day. I asked her to come with me to my daughter Nicole's cheerleading competition. She was busy. She always is busy yet she doesn't work - I am not sure what she does.
Last time we saw her her eyes were glassy and she was sleeping half the time. We were at Julie's house for Dawn's son Chris' birthday. Chris is the one that found Dawn hanging in their basement. We all wanted him to have a good birthday.
Anyway, Danni was obviously on something. I didn't really talk to her. I have told my mom and Julie that she has to make this decision for herself. No matter how badly we want it, she has to want it more. Or she will never be rid of the drugs.
She doesn't know a life without drugs. She started using when she was 12 or 13. So as I told my family blaming her is tough. She has never made an adult decision without the drugs. She forgets how to feel sorrow and pain because she was always on drugs. She masked any feelings.
Mom blamed her for awhile. Mom also blamed Dad for awhile because he didn't stop Dawn. But what I told my mom is that if she wants to blame anyone she has to look at Dawn.
Yes, Danni is on drugs and battling everyday. But instead of saying that is the reason for Dawn's problems I told her maybe we should think about why Dannie had to turn to drugs. Her parents were divorced, her mom had these young boyfriends - who did Danni have? She didn't have her mom the way she probably needed her. She needed an escape and she found it.
So how can anyone say it is Danni's fault that Dawn killed herself? Maybe it is Dawn's fault Danni is on drugs.
Now I believe everyone makes their own decisions in life. Many kids have had parents go through a divorce and their parents date and get remarried and have kids. But to say that all of those children do drugs would be a lie.
I also believe that many moms watch as their daughter are on drugs and having sex for drugs. These moms struggle everyday with the percieved loss of their child. But to say that all of these moms commit suicide would be a lie. It is a horrible thing to watch your kids suffer and tell you they hate you and it is all your fault. But moms do it and don't die.
Dawn was sick. I know that. I don't blame her for her sickness.
I am angry at her for the drama. I am angry at her because she wrote the note to Chris and knew her son was going to find her. I am angry at her because she was weak. I am angry at her because she hurt the people that loved her most and gave the eternal "F U" to all of us leaving her problems for us to solve and with so many questions.
I understand she was sick. I can't imagine the darkness - but to make the decision to have your child find you that way - the child who stood by you and did his best to keep his family together - that is what I am angry at.
That is the one piece I don't understand.
She bought the rope. She tied it up and stood there. Yes, they found pills in her system - but she bought the rope. She planned it out at least a little bit. And not once did she think about anyone but herself.
So is this selfish? Is the darkness so black that you only see yourself? Is it so dark that you can't think of anything but your pain?
I can't answer that. I hope I never have to answer it and I hope that nobody I know does.
But I know mom is upset. Mom knows she tried this years ago and we all were there. Chip and I found her! She had a note to my dad. I never saw the note. Chip kept it when the ambulance came. Mom was ok, but I never knew my mom to be weak. I guess it was that damn darkness again.
I was angry at my mom back then. But she survived. Maybe she survived to help Danni. I don't know.
What I do know is that I still don't want to go to a therapist. I want answers - from Dawn - and I don't have them.
I don't want to feel guilty for not doing anything for all these years. I don't want to feel guilty for not stopping her. I don't want to feel guilty for not doing more for Danni now. I want someone to tell me what to do and how to do it so that my kids are not involved with the drug use.
I don't have answers, I never will.
I know someday I will be more at peace with all of this. I talk to God a lot - still don't go to the church though.
I cry a lot too. But Chip doesn't understand how it has changed me. I am still numb. I still have times when I just want to yell and hit someone.
I have gained about 25 pounds - my body is all messed up and my metabolism has shut down.
I am a mess. But I am not dark - I am not there nor will I ever allow myself to be there.
I have a beautiful family. They are not perfect. They will mess up - I will mess up. They will probably try drugs or alcohol at some point soon. And I will be there to help them. But I will not let the drugs, the alcohol, the darkness destroy me or my kids or husband. I tell the kids that if they do drugs I will help them - once. The second time they have to leave because the way I will not allow Danni in the house while she is using I will not allow them either.
It sucks - plain and simple.
No answers. A new day that is beautiful but hard to see through the haze of sadness.
I haven't found my new normal yet. I am still looking.
Nicole still cries for Aunt Dawn. I tell her it is ok because Dawn hears her. Nicole looks up to Danni - that scares me and I told Danni that.
I told the kids that we love Danni and always will - that never changes. But we don't love the decisions she is making and can't be around her if she chooses to continue to make those decisions.
I guess years from now I will look back and still question everything I have said or done in the last 6 months. But I pray that 6 months from now I will be stronger and able to say I have found my new normal.