People say that time heals - well, it doesn't heal everything. It makes you realize things are never going to change. It make syou take a step back and be more appreciative of every day - but it can't heal.
Over a year has passed since Dawn took her life. I find times when I wnat to call her and ask for her advice on something and feel stupid when I realize I can't just pick up the phone. Julie has gone through some ups and downs - I know how much she misses Dawn. They were not just sisters they were best friends. While I try to be there for Julie I am not Dawn and do not want to replace her. Julie and I have our own imperfect relationship. She loves me and I love her - but I will never replace Dawn.
Dad is doing ok. He is really stressed and it shows. I am worried most about him. He sees his role as having to take care of everyone and forgets about himself. Mom gets mad that he goes golfing, but he needs that time outside the house - outside his head - where he turns off his phone and goes into his own world. I get it...
Chip has been really good. We have had our own problems, but we continue to work on "us". My family knows they can always count on my husband for support and whatever they will need. He has always been there for all of them and I love him for that.
Nicole still gets upset sometimes. I never realized how hard she would take everything. In August we took her to see a psychologist. At the appointment she opened up that she had googled Patti and Allie's death and knew they didn't die of carbon monoxide poisoning. She said she was mad that I had lied to her.
I explained that Patti (like Aunt Dawn) was sick. I told her how much Patti loved Allie, and that moms don't do things like this - the sickness does it.
I think she understood... at least understood as well as a 9 year old could when looking at this tragedy.
As for my mom - she is so strong. She goes about her day working a lot of hours to keep her busy. She tries to hold it together, but she loses it sometimes and we all get it. She misses her baby... I can't imagine the pain.
I worry about Julie a lot. She acts like she has it all together, but I know she is hurting and angry and upset inside. She just wont show it. Instead she lashes out at people for no apparant reason - or sometimes there is a reason but instead of talking she yells and screams and curses. It is hard to watch.
I wish she would talk to someone - someone who could make her feel better about herself and her life. She does have a lot to be thankful for. She has three beautiful children and a family that loves her. But I know it is hard for her.
I was numb for a year. I went through the motions of daily life smiling and driving the kids here and there. I talked about my sister's death as if it were a story in a book - sometimes crying but only a few tears for a few seconds at a time. Then when September came around I lost it. I had been hospitalized 2 times over the past year for migraines, and on October 19th had to go to the ER again. Hopefully they are under control now.
I talk to my sister sometimes when I am alone. I hear a song and I think of her. My sister Julie and Dawn's friend Sue and Christopher emptied Dawn's house - it sold. They gave me a terracotta like set - a pitcher, teapot, ladel, dish and a few other pieces. The night I put it out my dog Gunnar stodd in front of it just looking slightly off to the side of the large pitcher and kept barking. I know Dawn was there that night. I know that is where she watches over our family - especially Nicole.
Time doesn't heal, time teaches you that you have to find that new normal. The pain never goes away, you just learn to accept the pain, not the loss.
I will always love my sister.
