I think people use the saying "Time heals all wounds" too much. It doesn't heal... it just takes away the sting. Wounds go away, but the bad ones, the ones that hurt the most, leave a scar.
Dawn's suicide left a lot of scars.
This past weekend was the Out of the Darkness Walk around Rockland Lake. Frank Raso and his wife came up from Florida. Karen, Nancy, Dana - they were all there. Glenn Spiegelmen was there, so were neighbords and friends. But this year was different.
This year I got my kids involved. They helped register people, they walked, they worked at the fundraiser we had for our team. They took on roles.
I want them to see what it is like helping people. Not just donating money, but helping people. I wanted them to hear the stories, and how people felt, how they still feel. I wanted my kids to see that there is ALWAYS someone to talk to, no matter how bad it is. I wanted them to see beyond my sadness.
I have had numerous people thank me for raising awareness of depression and suicide. They tell me their story and I listen. Sometimes I tell mine, but not always.
Nicole told me about 3 weeks before the walk that she didn't want to do it this year. I said fine, but why? She told me that she didn't want to help other people because nobody ever helped Aunt Dawn. She asked why I didn't help Aunt Dawn... it hurt so bad to hear my daughter say those words.
I told her I ask myself that same thing all the time. I told her that this is a sickness that you can't see. I told her that Aunt Dawn would have wanted us to help other people, and remember her.
But what I couldn't tell Nicole was why I didn't help Dawn. I still wish I had picked up the phone more. I want to hear her voice. I want to hear her laugh - her snort ;) I want to see her sitting out by my parent's pool.
I don't tell my mom (or anyone) this, but I do not want to go to my mom's pool. I think of Dawn when I am there. And while I love remembering her, I still cry a lot. And I don't want to do that to my mom.
Well, time doesn't heal. Time takes away the sting but you are left with that scar. That constant reminder of the pain and the suffering, and when you touch that scar you can feel it all over again. The goal (I guess) is to embrace the scar. To know that you are different because of it. To make yourself stronger because of it. To piece together the parts again, and move on, knowing it will never heal 100%.
But when you think about it, are we ever 100%? Are we 100% of anything?
I loved my sister - I still do, and always will.
A good friend of mine told me she saw a medium who said that Dawn was at peace. She was told that Dawn wanted to tell her loved ones that when they see a butterfly at the beach it is her. She loved the beach...
About 1 1/2 months ago I was in Wildwood with my family. A butterfly kept trying to land on me. Finally Chip said that he heard somewhere that when a butterfly lands on you it is someone who passed trying to contact you. After he said that I saw dozens of butterflies the remainder of our vacation. And then this week hearing what my friend said - I know that was Dawn. She LOVED the beach! She LOVED the summer. And she LOVED all of us.
And we ALL LOVED HER.
