So it has already been almost 6 months since Dawn hung herself. I looked at myself in the mirror about a week ago and cried. I am not supposed to be the oldest sister. She is supposed to be here.
Dawn's daughter is having trouble with drugs still. I don't know what to do. The way I removed myself and my family from Dawn and her drama I have done the same with Danni. I love her - I text her - but I tell the kids that we cannot accept the drug use in our home. We have seen her at my mom and dad's house and at my sister Julie's house. They are helping her and taking her to meetings and driving her places. I went to lunch with her one day. I asked her to come with me to my daughter Nicole's cheerleading competition. She was busy. She always is busy yet she doesn't work - I am not sure what she does.
Last time we saw her her eyes were glassy and she was sleeping half the time. We were at Julie's house for Dawn's son Chris' birthday. Chris is the one that found Dawn hanging in their basement. We all wanted him to have a good birthday.
Anyway, Danni was obviously on something. I didn't really talk to her. I have told my mom and Julie that she has to make this decision for herself. No matter how badly we want it, she has to want it more. Or she will never be rid of the drugs.
She doesn't know a life without drugs. She started using when she was 12 or 13. So as I told my family blaming her is tough. She has never made an adult decision without the drugs. She forgets how to feel sorrow and pain because she was always on drugs. She masked any feelings.
Mom blamed her for awhile. Mom also blamed Dad for awhile because he didn't stop Dawn. But what I told my mom is that if she wants to blame anyone she has to look at Dawn.
Yes, Danni is on drugs and battling everyday. But instead of saying that is the reason for Dawn's problems I told her maybe we should think about why Dannie had to turn to drugs. Her parents were divorced, her mom had these young boyfriends - who did Danni have? She didn't have her mom the way she probably needed her. She needed an escape and she found it.
So how can anyone say it is Danni's fault that Dawn killed herself? Maybe it is Dawn's fault Danni is on drugs.
Now I believe everyone makes their own decisions in life. Many kids have had parents go through a divorce and their parents date and get remarried and have kids. But to say that all of those children do drugs would be a lie.
I also believe that many moms watch as their daughter are on drugs and having sex for drugs. These moms struggle everyday with the percieved loss of their child. But to say that all of these moms commit suicide would be a lie. It is a horrible thing to watch your kids suffer and tell you they hate you and it is all your fault. But moms do it and don't die.
Dawn was sick. I know that. I don't blame her for her sickness.
I am angry at her for the drama. I am angry at her because she wrote the note to Chris and knew her son was going to find her. I am angry at her because she was weak. I am angry at her because she hurt the people that loved her most and gave the eternal "F U" to all of us leaving her problems for us to solve and with so many questions.
I understand she was sick. I can't imagine the darkness - but to make the decision to have your child find you that way - the child who stood by you and did his best to keep his family together - that is what I am angry at.
That is the one piece I don't understand.
She bought the rope. She tied it up and stood there. Yes, they found pills in her system - but she bought the rope. She planned it out at least a little bit. And not once did she think about anyone but herself.
So is this selfish? Is the darkness so black that you only see yourself? Is it so dark that you can't think of anything but your pain?
I can't answer that. I hope I never have to answer it and I hope that nobody I know does.
But I know mom is upset. Mom knows she tried this years ago and we all were there. Chip and I found her! She had a note to my dad. I never saw the note. Chip kept it when the ambulance came. Mom was ok, but I never knew my mom to be weak. I guess it was that damn darkness again.
I was angry at my mom back then. But she survived. Maybe she survived to help Danni. I don't know.
What I do know is that I still don't want to go to a therapist. I want answers - from Dawn - and I don't have them.
I don't want to feel guilty for not doing anything for all these years. I don't want to feel guilty for not stopping her. I don't want to feel guilty for not doing more for Danni now. I want someone to tell me what to do and how to do it so that my kids are not involved with the drug use.
I don't have answers, I never will.
I know someday I will be more at peace with all of this. I talk to God a lot - still don't go to the church though.
I cry a lot too. But Chip doesn't understand how it has changed me. I am still numb. I still have times when I just want to yell and hit someone.
I have gained about 25 pounds - my body is all messed up and my metabolism has shut down.
I am a mess. But I am not dark - I am not there nor will I ever allow myself to be there.
I have a beautiful family. They are not perfect. They will mess up - I will mess up. They will probably try drugs or alcohol at some point soon. And I will be there to help them. But I will not let the drugs, the alcohol, the darkness destroy me or my kids or husband. I tell the kids that if they do drugs I will help them - once. The second time they have to leave because the way I will not allow Danni in the house while she is using I will not allow them either.
It sucks - plain and simple.
No answers. A new day that is beautiful but hard to see through the haze of sadness.
I haven't found my new normal yet. I am still looking.
Nicole still cries for Aunt Dawn. I tell her it is ok because Dawn hears her. Nicole looks up to Danni - that scares me and I told Danni that.
I told the kids that we love Danni and always will - that never changes. But we don't love the decisions she is making and can't be around her if she chooses to continue to make those decisions.
I guess years from now I will look back and still question everything I have said or done in the last 6 months. But I pray that 6 months from now I will be stronger and able to say I have found my new normal.
