Sisters

It is late at night and I figured the best way for me to start dealing with the death of my sister was to talk about it. Then I realized there isn't really anyone I want to talk to about it. So I figured I would write about it. A lot of this will be rambling - and for that I am sorry. But I guess this will be like my therapy.
My older sister was the woman all of my friends wanted to be. Beautiful. Laughing. Smiling. Happy. Popular. Growing up everyone loved her and would admire her and look up to her. I secretly wanted to be her and never really worried about my looks figuring if I couldn't be her what did it really matter. I always joked that she got the looks - I was the Tom-boy, the athlete.
I remember watching my sister get ready for dates when I was little. I remember watching my sister get ready for her wedding. I remember watching my sister all the time. Beautiful is the best word.
Ask anyone - happy, smiling, beautiful.
What made my sister happiest? Her children. She always wanted to be a mom. My younger sister and I always knew it. And she loved being a mom. Her three kids - they were lucky to have her.
What else made my sister happy? Teaching! She decided to become a teacher after she got divorced. I was never so proud! She went back to college and got her degree. She taught Autistic children one-on-one. Not an easy job, but she was amazing at it with her patience and caring ways. Again, her beauty would shine. The whole school loved her - all of the kids she touched loved her.
But there was a darkness that we knew was there, we just never realized (at least I never realized was so deep). I had stepped away from my sister because of the drama. I still talked to her. She lived in my town. But I didn't get involved in the drama. The beauty, the smile, the warm heart - it couldn't get rid of the darkness. I don't know how long it was there. Maybe all along. Maybe it came after the divorce. Maybe it came after one of the kids started using drugs. Nobody knows now. I guess it doesn't matter. But the darkness was there and I stepped away to protect my children, my husband - and probably mostly myself.
In the end, when I got the call that my sister had killed herself I was numb. I was not shocked - I was numb. I am still numb almost 2 months later. I am angry, but not at my sister because I see the darkness as a sickness that I know she had. I am angry at myself for stepping away. I know it was the right thing for my family - but I question if it was the right thing for her, and for me.
Now she is gone. There are three children (although grown) without a mom. There are two sisters, not three. There are parents without a daughter. My own daughter misses her Godmother and my boys miss their aunt. We don't know why - we only know she is gone.
I have been told I have to get back to normal. But there will never be a back to normal. She is gone. Her beauty. Her smile. her love. Her laugh. She is gone and that normal is gone. I can't go back. I can only find a new normal and that is what I know I have to do. I know I will eventually stop feeling numb, soon. I go to work. I coach and go to the kids games. But I still feel numb.
No more drama. No more smiles. No more beauty.
Her son said it best - you don't need a crutch to be sick - then he forgave her. He is the strongest man I know.
I miss my sister, even though I didn't talk to her all the time. Even though she was closer to my younger sister. Even though I stepped away. I miss her and wish she was still here. I don't know why she did it. But I still love her.
My sister was the kindest person - everyone who knew her loved her and her biggest problem was she gave too much love and didn't have enough left over for herself. I hope she knows how much people love her now. How much her kids, family and friends love her. How much I love her. How much I miss her.